Memoir

...until we meet again

"I am not ashamed to say that no man I ever met was my father’s equal, and I never loved any other man as much.” — Hedy Lamarr

Dad, my dearest ...

Your thought makes me break into tears. The sense of your loss is overwhelming. Time has passed by but the trauma won't leave, pain won't dull, grief won't subside. The world seems to have lost its shimmer without you. Memories of you float in my mind. Some rich, some comforting, others haunting. I can write volumes on you. This note is only a brief summary of my unparalleled love and appreciation for you.

Dad, Daddy, Father, Popsi, Papa...I called you by so many names. You lovingly responded to all of them. You were kind, thoughtful, gentle, loving. Your joy contagious. Supportive, encouraging, inspiring, full of wisdom. Your love, steady and real. Your will power, amazing. Selfless, humorous and handsome. You were an accomplished engineer, extremely intelligent. You lived your values faithfully. You lived simple, yet meaningful, graceful and purposeful. Your faith in God, unbelievable. You were committed to the core. You kept your word, no matter what. You maintained an unblemished character till the very end.

Family was your utmost  priority. You gave us all your time. You sat with us through the night during our exams. You looked after us when we were sick. You attended every event we participated in school. You worked tirelessly, relentlessly to fulfill our dreams. You did everything to ensure that we were happy and safe. You never allowed our problems to fester. You were our pillar of strength. We knew you would always be there. You kept a track of every development in our lives, however big or small. You were compassionate. Earning goodwill was supreme to your being. Do you know, so many people you had helped, miss you as deeply as we do?

You were a teacher of all things. Your method simple, you led by example. You taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if it meant I stood alone. You taught me to be a proud woman in a man's world. You provided space and choice to me to do what I wanted and to speak my mind. You instilled in me the belief that I would achieve everything I want as long as the objectives are good. Your unwavering confidence in me boosted my morale. Your intense praise shook away my fear. Your ideals will live with me till I die!

My life is now filled with memories and every single memory has a significant part of you in it. We would argue, agree and disagree. I telephoned you for everything -- secret, complaint, advice or sympathy. I loved your protectiveness and appreciated the way you would take up for me. You believed in me even more than I believe in myself. You made me feel I could do anything. I took huge pride in the fact that there was always a place in you that belonged ONLY to me. You were the unbreakable, covert anchor in my life. You always knew how I felt. You developed simple solutions to problems, however big. Today, as I face a dilemma, I find myself asking. What would Daddy do?

I can feel your facial expressions on my own face. I hear your indignation in my own voice. You and I were somewhat the same; thought the same way, agreed on the same things, understood each other well, cared enormously, listened to our hearts, both victims of attachment, passionate about our beliefs, extremely sensitive. Your character is the foundation of my conscience. I see your reflection in me. So much of you has seeped into me. Can you see?

The trauma of those twenty days while you were in the ICU refuse to leave me. The dreaded memories of June 3 will haunt me till I die. My senses were on high alert that fateful Sunday. The normal seemed abnormal. I prayed intensely for your well being. Pleaded to God to give us one more chance to take you home, to care for you till you would be alright. But it was not to be.

Your heart stopped beating. My heart raced a-mile-a-minute.
Your face emanated a divine radiance. My face fell pale with fear. 
Your body was turning stiff and cold. My body was burning with fever.
You seemed at peace. I was distraught.
Darkness enveloped me. My vision, blurred. Mom's loud cry of horror, the voice of your doctor, the sounds of the nurses trying to revive you, the noise of the machines... everything sounded faint to my ears. I could dimly see Mom embrace you, holding onto the last few moments of being together with you.

The awful awakening that I would need to let you go ... I wasn't at all prepared. I endured an unimaginable pain. My mind told me that my life would never be the same again. That I would hear your voice no more. That you would no longer call to check on me every few minutes. That you would no longer laugh at the crazy things I told you. That you would no longer assure me that everything will be alright when life is hard. The feeling was frightful. My heart found it unbelievable -- that the most influential voice in my life had been silenced forever!  Time stood still, frozen.

Where are you? It's too long since I last saw you, spoke to you, sat near you. I miss you terribly. I miss the sound of your voice. I am dying to hear you call me Putu. I miss seeing you at the door of our home. I really wish we could talk right now. It's still difficult to believe. Your absence is piercing. Will the pain fade with time? I am not sure. The reality is stone cold.

I am attempting to revamp myself. I am training myself to let go off everything I fear to lose, to be less passionate about people, to let go off attachments and expectations. I am trying to juggle the normal with the surreal, to gather the courage to continue, to fill in the gaps, to connect the dots. I am attempting to carry the torch you dropped, so that the light of your life keeps burning. I am beginning to imagine your presence within me.

My eyes have welled up. I am lost for words. I want you to know I still love you to the moon and back. That the sun rises and sets with you. Your cherished memories with me will remain ...untill we meet again!!!